Not all things to be looked back on are sweet and happy.
In August of 2011, we were given the wonderful news that we would be having another baby. We were all so excited. All of the kids were looking forward to another baby. However, God chose to take that sweet baby almost as quickly as He gave. After waiting for 3 weeks for a miscarriage to occur on its own, I eventually had a D&C. That was our second miscarriage, but much more difficult when we added in the medical intervention. The baby was approximately 12 weeks old, I was about 15 weeks pregnant.
I want to catalog a post here for my personal reference but I also think that you should take the time to read it too: What You Should (and Shouldn’t) Say to Someone Who has Lost a Baby. You can read it here: http://www.naturallyknockedup.com/what-you-should-and-shouldnt-say-to-someone-who-has-lost-a-baby/. I was blessed to have a great family and church family to come alongside me but I did hear several things on the Shouldn't list from well meaning friends. Losing a baby for any reason is difficult, for those that lost and those trying to comfort.
After my first miscarriage, in 2007, someone told me, "At least you weren't that far along." They were right, I was not that far along at 6-8 weeks. A lot of women lose a baby at that stage and not even know they were pregnant; loss of a pregnancy is most likely to occur those first 3 months. However, when someone said that to me it hurt me so bad. Yes, I was not that far along. Yes, it did make the physical part of the actual miscarriage easier. It did not, however, make it any easier to grieve the loss of our dear sweet child.
When we lost this more recent baby, the most common response was avoidance-- by both me and others. I did not handle the wait well (since it was a missed miscarriage my doctor gave me the option of waiting 3 weeks before a D&C), did not want to have to have the medical intervention to complete the process (thus my decision to wait though I did have the D&C in the end), and really just didn't want to see people's pity. Overall, though, the people I did allow to mourn with me did so in a very loving, Godly way.
I did have someone tell me though, "At least you have so many other children." Really?! Just because I have been blessed with other children (I do know that I am blessed with 5 wonderful children) does not mean that I did not love and want to watch the baby I was carrying grow.
1 For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
2 a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
3 a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
4 a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
5 a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
6 a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
7 a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
8 a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace.14 I perceived that whatever God does endures forever;nothing can be added to it, nor anything taken from it. God has done it, so that people fear before him. 15 That which is,already has been; that which is to be, already has been; and God seeks what has been driven away.[a]
I don't want to seem trite, but I felt the most comfort when fellow Christians wept with me. Really. Not necessarily actually crying (though a couple did), but by sharing in my sorrow and caring for me through it. I had lost a real life baby that we really loved and really wanted to welcome into our home and I wanted--needed--to know that our loss was not minimized. I was also experiencing both the hormones of pregnancy and the grief of loss. I am so thankful for the patience and care shown to us through that time.(Ecclesiastes 3)
Read that story from Naturally Knocked Up. The author is spot on. Especially take note of the list of Shoulds!
I try not to be terribly upset at the mention of this time. I was reminiscing as I looked at a picture of the 5 and knew that two very notable places were empty. I shall know them in glory - heavenly reward come!
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